The Diaries Of A Mad Girl

Optimism. It's A Rare Occurance.

2007-09-27T19:40:33Z

Things seem to be getting more on track this time round.

I'm actually having a lot of fun in my modules this semister (well, apart from PR which sucks, but you can't win them all).

The Western modules is cool. Probably mostly because I get Mark Brownrigg again for my seminars, and that guy rocks. Also I'm really not minding watching Western films. I thought that I would find them really boring but I dont. Its coool.

Audio is just brilliant too. Did I just say a class was brilliant? Well it is. I'm in a fantastic group of guys for my project and everything seems to be going really well.

I also joined SUDS (Stirling University Drama Society) this year (its only taken me 3 years to do it). Its probably going to take a while to get into it with all the people because its really clicky, but I'm hoping for the best. I also wrote my first sketch for the upcoming festival. It got Mark's approval which actually really made my day. So hopefully if it gets picked to be in the festival it'll be done justice.

Listen to me being really optimisic this term!

Well, its a Thursday tonight so that means Rock Night. So I'm away to start drinking a few. Catch you all real soon.

3 Years Come and Gone

2007-09-18T17:29:24Z

And the hurt is still there.

Went for a doctors appointment today.

Turns out that I need physio therapy for my shoulder/neck injury that I got over 3 years ago. The pain still kills me at times.

I'm just kinna depressed now, because up until this point (going to the doctors) I was in the hope that when I did go there would turn out to be a solution and everything would be healed. But that is not the case, and so I'm rather depressed about the whole thing. The thought that I might have this pain for the rest of my life because of a stupid accident, is just a lot to take in really.

I know that physio might help, but in all likelihood it won't that much. The pain will still come and go like it does now. So all I'm hoping for is that it won't hurt as much.

There's not much to do about it now apart from just getting on with it.

Three Blasts Of Damn, Damn, Damn.

2007-08-15T13:50:35Z

Well uni is trying to fuck with me. It's official - I've got a letter to prove it.

Just to prove how bad 2nd year was for me (and you all know that) I might not be around for much longer - although this time its not out of choice.

Fuck sake, I'm really pissed off now. I dont like the thought of actually going out and starting my life for real. Yeah, uni sucks at some points but I'd still rather be there than anywhere else right now. Just looks like I might not have that luxury anymore.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point - or what I can do.

I really don't want to leave. I'm pissed off and sad now. I had the idea that 3rd year was going to be getting back on track and be fun again. Sucks that it might all be taken away from me now.

Further Down The Spiral

2007-08-09T11:24:09Z

Its a curious feeling when you feel your heart drop. That kind of heavy feeling. Which happens every single time I see her (which isn't that much really, thank fuck) and I have no idea why.

Friends? Foes? Who knows

2007-07-25T11:02:23Z

I'm really bored now. Work is really boring me now. It's just the exact same things day after day. I know its good money so I'm not going to leave or anything, but man, it does my head it.

Are there some things that are really unforgivable?

Or maybe it's just me that people can't say sorry to. Is it?

Music is my downfall

2007-07-24T10:28:46Z

Yes thats right people. I've worked it out. And music is my problem, it is my flaw. It is my downfall.

I think its because I'm so strong minded in terms of films that I don't really care too much about music (well not anywhere near as much anyway) that people think they can change who I am through my music tastes.

Since I am rather indifferent towards tunes, people assume that they can push their tastes on me and I will automatically like it.

This is not true.

Stop trying to change me. I am who I am, and this includes my rather small interest in music.

Not once have they ever wanted to hear anything that I like, without an alterive motive.

You like your music, I like mine. Leave it at that please? I will listen to yours if you listen to mine.

Fuck sake.

Stiff Little Finger

2007-06-26T14:51:03Z

I can't believe it took me so long to notice this, but it did.

As it turns out it looks like I did suffer from after affects from my broken finger but I just didnt realise. I was so glad that it turned out I could move it properly (after being told that I probably wouldnt be able to move it properly again or bend it all the way) that I didnt really notice anything else.

Its not a big thing really but strange none-the-less.

It happens when I type on the keyboard (as far as I know thats all so far). I unconsiously/subconsiously (whatever it may be) don't use the previously broken finger (left/index). It either points up straight or folds onto my middle finger.

Ive never noticed it before (probably because I havent been this bored at a keyboard before). And try as I may I can't seem to change it's (yes, as if it has a will of its own now) behaviour.

It also seems to stay straight when the rest of my hand isn't when I'm not paying any attention - like when I'm walking about I'll suddenly realise that my hand is gripping my jacket sleeve and my finger isn't...

Its strange. I wonder if its permanent. Probably.

Interesting (well to me anyway, but ive got a certain attachment to this story that you lot don't have).

Thats all. Now leave me comments of finger stories, lol

Holy Shit! An Update!

2007-06-20T15:07:06Z

Yes yes, its an update. But only a wee one cos I'm at work just now and meant to be working, you know how it is. So bullet points to keep you happy till I type out a proper one (so you can calm down now George, lol):

* Got a new job, working for Stena Line in the offices at Burnshouse. Its sweet - mega pay, internet, radio, diet coke and biscuit and all for the taking! Yes I am bragging, but i deserve it, what the fuck else have I got? Its Mon-Fri 8.30-5, so nights off and weekends too. Jealous much?

* Totally skint till I actually get paid, which I dont know when is yet :(

* Trying to find a new dvd player that I like which I'm owed for my birthday.

* Pissed out cos Ive missed out on last issue of Neo cos Stranraer doesnt stock it anymore (assholes) and the next one is out tomorrow so probably can't order it anymore. Been looking all over the net for the past month but cant seem to find it anyway. Think im gonna subscribe - but only if i can get the delivery address changed when I go back to uni.

* Passed my exams. And after thinking I hadnt done enough to be on track for honours I turns out I am. Although probably not seeing how I dont know my alphabet properly!

* Absolutly LOVING Naruto right now. Battle Royale will always be my favourite manga, but I do LOVE the Naruto animes plus the mangas are really cool. So much so, I'd say its coming up to match BR (although BR will always be king). Im on manga 11 and just finished the 1st dvd set of season 2 (plus i got the freaky looking keyring, lol). Okay this is gonna sound really sad (to some - not the cool ones tho) but I had to buy a new bookcase for all my dvds anyway so Ive made the new one into my 'Asian' one. Its juist full off my movies, mangas and animes. Plus a statue of Gloomy Bear. Oh yeah theres also one shelf for books, of course. And my stargate dvds... but thats even sadder.

* I really want to meet Bruce Campbell.

Well I'm going to go now. 1 hour till I finish. Yay! I'll write another update soon (or so I say now). Anyway, I know how easy it is to lose interest in the long updates so hopefully this will have pleased you all.

Laters

Warning

2006-11-07T21:06:09Z

Ok people, from now on this is going to be friends only (if i remember), so this is your heads up. Might be making some edits to my friends list anyway. Sorry, but things dont last forever.

First Thing I Think Of...

2006-11-07T21:03:34Z

Well i truly am stuck in another funk now. Why is happening? Ever heard Alanis Morissette - 'Simple Together', well just imagine the first couple versus of that. I should probably stop listenin to her, she doesnt seem to do much for my health, lol.

Im thinking of making this a friends only journal, cos lets face it, its getting kind of depressing now, lol. So if your not my friend then your pretty much fucked as to how this whole situation will end.

Funk, funk, funk, funk, funk. I hate them. Stupid things. Make me feel bad, worse than i already do.

WTF! I am not this person! Im really not. So WTF?!

...when i wake up. Well its fucking true. Damn.

Why do i write all this down? Im sure it makes me out to be a complete psycho, lol. I swear im not. Just slightly unhinged at the moment thats all.

redrum_666 @ 2006-11-07T06:45:00

2006-11-07T06:45:20Z

Writing stuff down usually helps, fuck knows why. But in this case its helping fuck all. Damn it even more. Maybe ill go cry, or drink, or both. But its 06:45... wouldnt that mean ive got a problem of some sorts? Fuck it.

Down and Out

2006-11-07T06:39:12Z

Won't someone come and make me feel better? Please? I really hate this feeling. I know why, but i cant say over this. Although im pretty sure people can guess what it is anyway. Been feeling like hell ever since i moved back to uni. I really wanted to move out (still do sometimes) but where would i go? Back to the raer? Work at the NWC for the rest of my life, no thanks.

Im totally running out of ways to handle the situation. I really fucking dont know what to do. I hate this.

Of course i would fight for what i want, but i cant. Theres nothing to do. Really? Guess so. Ive just got to get my head around this whole thing and how ill never get what i want again. I know this, but it doesnt make it any easier.

Fuck, why do i feel like this? I mean really. Why? Never felt like this before, probably because everyones always thought that i shouldnt. Got looked down upon when someone died, how fucked up is that? No wonder it takes me so long to trust someone, and then its gone. Doesnt really help the problem does it, lol.

I want it back so badly. I keep trying to convince myself that its not true, never was and all that. But i honestly cant. What the fuck does that say?

DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT!!!!

Comfy

2006-11-07T06:02:19Z

Hey Hey,

Well im currently lying in my bed. Whoo Hoo! Seems like i can get the 'stolen' internet connection in here after all, lol. Tis great. Just finished watching 'A Tale of Two Sisters'. Man, that film made little to no sense at all. The twists are very work-out-able, but still. Dont really know what the hell really happened. But all well. Had some good atmospheric senses so its all good.

Also watched 'Brokeback Mountain' before it. I honestly dont see what the big deal was about the film. It was alright and all, but nothing special.

Well thats all i wanted to say really, just that i dont even have to bother moving to the kitchen to go online anymore, just sit in my bed all day from now on, lol. Btw i woke up at 9pm last night, some people might all that bad.

Laters

Greeeeeeen!

2006-11-05T20:58:06Z

Everyone has to watch 'Save the Green Planet' right now! Its is sooooooo amazing. It really is. One of the best films ive seen in ages. I am really loving Korean films at the moment. I had a Ha-kyun Shin double bill last night - i watched 'Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance' after STGP. He is just toooo cool. Everyone should really watch both films just to see what i mean. Especially STGP. Yay yay yay it is so good.

That is all.

Record, Set, Go!

2006-11-03T23:43:11Z

Hey there,

Well so it turns out that im not a million times better, but meh what am i gonna do? Thats actually a question people, please help, lol.

So once again i went on a bit of a spree online and now im loaded up with mangas again. Just need to wait by the postbox now forever more. Or at least until they come. I'm currently waiting on -

Naruto Vols 4-6
Bleach Vols 1-3
Ranma 1/2 Vols 1-2

I still really want to get the Dark Horse new version of the Ghost In The Shell manga, but its around £20 so im gonna wait for a bit for that one. Also found out the the Dark Horse version reads left to right, which i dont realy fancy. If its manga then it should be done properly. But thats just my opinion, lol. So im going to try and find out how the other publishers (cant remember who) version reads.

I also pre-ordered the new Ross Noble dvd, and play says that theyve already sent it out so i should get it on the 6th. Hopefully.

Btw for all you people out there, you have to watch 'Vital' and 'Tell Me Something'. They are both absolutly brilliant. Totally and utterly. Watch them. Watch them now!

How are you meant to know when its the mind playing tricks or the real thing? Think about it. You might learn something.

That is all.

Hello, Its Me Again

2006-11-02T20:53:01Z

Thank fuck, i am a million times better now than how ive been feeling lately. About time too right? lol.

I cant believe that it took almost going over the edge completely to be able to come back again. I can honestly say that ive never felt like that before, not to that extent anyway. That was kinna scary actually.

I just wanted to say sorry to Allan, not that he reads this though. But sorry anyway, i really didnt mean to scare you.

Im sort of scared to read it over again, dont know if i will or not. But if anyone asks, i'll just say it was creative writing, lol.

And if your asking why i am writing all this online, and why i write anything i do on here, i guess its just that ive got no one to really talk to anymore. So i guess this is just one way of 'saying it out loud' ever if no one is listening. Makes me feel better anyway.

But now im back completely. And dont think it was all about one thing either, it was a whole mess of stuff just finally got on top of me. But not anymore. I have my beliefs (and no not religion, dont be stupid, lol) and thats good enough for me to get me through.

I would say what they are, but i think ive already said way too much on this entry anyway, lol.

Laters

Damnation... Again

2006-11-01T03:57:13Z

NO fuck that shit, the note in the Naruto dvd says November 2006. What kind of shit is play trying to pull? What the fuck is gouing on?

Damnation

2006-11-01T03:54:29Z

No i meant how did i get 3rd NOVEMBER from 30/03/2007! Not that it fucking matters anyway. Damn it again.

Damnation

2006-11-01T03:53:17Z

Fuck sake, how the hell did i get the 3rd of October from 30/03/2007. This sucks.

Steal this bitch!

2006-11-01T02:46:34Z

Stealing someones internet right now, lol.

Hell Yeah!

Vodka rules all you tiny little bitches. So does Corona and lime though, lol

Blue

2006-10-31T13:51:12Z

Hey there tiny people from little land.

Just printed out my two essays, all thats left is to go and hand them in now, but i still cant be bothered. But hopefully going out tonight with Diane and getting royally pissed.

Talking of which, Saturday night. Fuck yeah, lol. Havent been that drunk in ages, unplanned nights out are truly some of the best ones. Sadly that doesnt mean much for tonight, but i havent thought it through so it still could be good.

Only three days, yay! Then i can go spend even more money that i dont have.

Do you think people tell other people your secrets? Ive just suddenly got that paranoid feeling, but only i know what about.

Ah well i cant be fucked with this anymore, ill write more about it later. But dont hold your breath. Gotta go hand in these damn essays now. Damn

Dark and Down

2006-10-28T17:44:38Z

Yes well im still pretty damn depressed. I dont like it. It sucks

Back at home just now trying to do my film and media essay (sucks), just found out that i cant get my stuff from ebay (sucks) and basically my life is shit right now (sucks).

How can i be this sad? Its me! Damn my feeble brain for making me think all these things. Everything i think about hurts me (no not physically). Memories are painful things. But i suppose this is what you get for being so happy, gotta get the contrast eventually. Fuck that. I would be such a hypocrite (fuck knows) if i gave up, but i really dont know what to do.

Ummm... it certainly is a ponderous moment. Sure is.

Now comes the time to convince myself that i was never in love in the first place. Yes. I will convince myself that none of it was true and that it never really happened. Buts probably not good for me, but right now i dont care. Im looking for the quick fix. Fuck knows ive had enough of the pain... the pain of it all! Dramatic yes?

Hope and memories certainly do go hand in hand in torture. Kind of like death and dispair.

Sorry to cut it short but dinner is nearly here.

Borderline, Dead Inside

2006-10-24T19:12:14Z

Hey all, im just doing this instead of trying to find work for my essay. Yes im so bored that i managed to venture out of the flat and into uni. And to do essay work! Am i taking the piss? Sadly no.

Damn ebay and my lack of internet access! Rage. Im raging (if you couldnt tell). Hopefully things will turn out okay, but knowing that its me that is very unlikely indeed.

Still havent heard from any of the family. Yeah im pretty much sure that ive been snubbed. Parents have been back from their holiday for about 3 or 4 days now (or something like that) and no word whatsoever. I know im hated by the brother and sister units but surely not the parentals too? Probably. After all, everyone shoots the messenger.

Roll on Nov 3rd. It better be worth the wait, and dont even get me started on the new Dragonball Z game for the wii. I want one! I want it now! Someone buy me it please.

Btw i was talking about the new PS2 Naruto game, if you hadnt already worked that one out. I hope that Scott can indeed swing it for me so i can get it early, lol.

Speaking of all things Asian (well kind of) my anime collection is growing into quite the wee... well, collection. Ghost in the Shell is still by far my favourite. Cant wait till Dec. I really want SAC 2nd gig! Someone buy me that too please!

Why is life such a bitch?

Hidden Robot

2006-10-20T13:29:17Z

Hello

Yeah, so fuck feelings and all that crap. Gets you nowhere in life. Well technically it does but fuck that also.

I need to get some order back into this thing, but im never online anymore and when i am i cant be bothered. And i cant be bothered now actually.

Land Of The Dead

2006-10-11T16:29:28Z

Well I'm just back from the town from buying funeral flowers. Man that was tough. I didnt have a clue what the hell i was doing. Hopefully it will all be okay by Monday.

All this shit is just getting on top of me now. Completely. I used to be able to deal with just about anything on my own. But now im not so strong. Its not fair, i was doing fine till he showed up and made me need him. Now i cant seem to handle anything on my own. Im weak now it would seem. How can i build my walls back up when the waves are hitting all my new foundations.

Its hard to stop the sea from coming in when your defences are only a foot high.